2/9/09 - Grumpy Bites

I don’t have any kids, but from being around them a lot I think one of the toughest things about small children is that you don’t always know what they want. You can ask a toddler why they are crying until you are blue in the face but they most likely won’t be able to tell you that they are pitching a fit because they are hungry. I would like to think as we get older and wiser we are better able to articulate why we are upset. We certainly don’t throw giant fits in the grocery store and I for one don’t bang my head on the floor anymore when my mom says there are no more cookies. But how many times have you wondered why your friend, your boss or a cashier has bit your head off? It maybe because you just insulted their outfit, their intelligence, or their mother but if you haven’t committed any of these offenses it is very possible that that person is just hungry.

That is why I’m going to invent Grumpy Bites! I’m still working out the details but here is what I have so far...They must be something soft and sweet, like a cookie or brownie. Something that will raise your blood sugar quickly. They must be bite size, and not bite size like those Bite Size Muffins, which unless you are Steven Tyler really take two bites. Now the reason that the size of Grumpy Bites is so important is that they are not intended for you to feed yourself. They are for your friend or boyfriend or whomever you are lashing out at to throw into your mouth when you are being a grouch just because you are hungry. For example, let’s say I’m grumbling at Matt about something really silly, like breathing too loud, he could just throw a Grumpy Bite in my mouth. I would taste the sweet morsel, my blood sugar would rise back up and we would go skipping off into the sunset. How great would that be!? How often have you looked back on an argument you had and in hindsight realized you were just grumpy because you were hungry? Grumpy Bites to the rescue! You could leave a pack with your friends, assistant or girlfriend and say "Only use in case of emergency, i.e. when I'm being a total crap head for no reason".

Now sometimes people really do offend you. If someone insults your mother and then throws a Grumpy Bite in your mouth, you have my permission to slap them.

I had an awesome time this weekend with my two oldest and closest friends. Tim McGraw's My Old Friend is for them.